Dr.* James Hagedorn's 12 Step Regret-Free Proccess

12 Steps for how to live life without regrets:

Step 1: Do nothing.

Step 2: If that doesn't work: Avoid any interactions with people or inanimate objects.

Step 3: If you happen to converse with someone, keep words to a minimum. Don’t promise anything, and don’t make any decisions.

Step 4: Never answer questions directly. Always hesitate and give non-answers. “I don’t know, what would you like to do?” is a perfect non-answer.

Step 5: If forced into making a decision, pick the safest option. Example: Proposed Scenario: You have to pick where we are going to dinner this time. Option 1: Let’s go to place X (where we’ve been 124 times and it may not be great but it’s a safe bet). Option 2: Hide in the bathroom until the other person is forced to order pizza.

Step 6: Answer questions with questions. Example Question: Do you even have feeling for me anymore? Example Answer: Would naming a kid Gertrude allow you to skip her childhood because she would immediately feel old?

Step 7: No Tattoos: Even if you like your tattoo 29,199 days of the 29,200 days of your life, that one day of disdain could be counted as a regret.

Step 8: Go to sleep at 8 every night. 8:30 may be ok, but anything after that is asking for regrets.

Step 9: No bars, strip clubs, or country clubs. Why? Some combination of alcohol, cinnamon, greed, and overpriced food.

Step 10: Never ask a question you don’t know the answer to. Trust me; you don’t want to learn new things.

Step 11: Don’t tell anyone about the first ten steps, because that would allow them to hinder the execution of the steps.

Step 12: Build a raft. Pick a coast. Sit on raft. Drift away. Accept your fate.

 *I played a doctor in acting class once.