The Lady of the (Salt) Lake

Let's go back in time, before there were electric can openers or mechanical pencils, to a much simpler time...1815. 

Over 70 years before Utah gained statehood, the state was filled with pioneers, missionaries, natives, trappers, pirates, bandits, cowboys, ranchers, widows, adulterers, aliens, bakers, and of course pianists. The following story has been passed down through generations, with a larger majority of some historians all  to varying degrees verifying it's accuracy. This is the Lady of the Salt Lake. 

June 11th, 1815

Zededolphious Wangston, called Zededolphi for short, and his wife, Trixy, decided to leave their boring Delaware life and head west in search of new opportunity, adventure, and hopefully gold. The journey was arduous and full of ardor. Trixy had to stop to pee way too many times, at least according to Zededolphi. After months of constant bickering and arguing over which song to sing on the road, they arrived to what is now Salt Lake City. 

 

At that time Utah was a melting pot of culture. Hordes of gypsies traversed the landscape with merchants selling local goods such as Stingray meat, corn, and petroleum.  At the same time there was a mass migration of wombats into the area. Wombat hunting brought in people from far and wide. However, the most appealing of all of Utah's commodities were the diamond depositories rumored to be stashed away in the mountains. 

Trixy, vain for all things that glittered, begged Zededolphi to look for diamonds. Zededolphi being a people pleaser (wuss) did as Trixy wished. He became one of the hundreds of people digging furiously into the mountains looking for diamonds. 

While the men of the community blew the living shit out of the mountains with dynamite, the women took care of all the useful things, such as wombat hunting, wombat skinning, wombat cooking, wombat breeding, wombat affairs, wombat education, and wombat hurling. Trixy had no interest in wombats, she wanted more. 

One night while Zededolphi was passed out drunk on Wombskey, a whiskey drink infused with the blood of wombats, a very popular drink at that time, Trixy went out for a walk. It was a very foggy night, partly due to the excessive smoke caused by the burning of witches who had made the journey from Connecticut. Trixy lost sight of the trail and ended up getting lost. Suddenly the smell of salt reached her exquisite nostrils. Suddenly, again, the feel of water reached her scrumptious feet. Even more suddenly, the sound of crying reached her erect ears. 

Trixy stood still for a moment, the sobbing had stopped. Something touched her shoulder, she turned around frightened. Nothing. The sobbing came back. 

"Who thou goes hither?" Trixy asked.

The sobbing stopped.

"Why do your men search for treasure in the mountains, when the real treasure is here?" A voice asked from the darkness.

"Thou mustn't remain a stranger, show thyself!" Trixy yelled.

"I can't show what isn't here. Just remember this: Searching up high is a big mis-take, when searching is far better in this lake." The voice started laughing, then coughing, then choking, then drank some water, then laughed some more, then went silent. 

Trixy, after nearly fainting from being so frightened, suddenly was overcome with a feeling stronger than fear; greed. Trixy began her search.

That next morning Zededolphi recovered from his hangover with some wombat soup and realized Trixy wasn't home. He searched around the village for her, to no avail. He then asked a few people he suspected her of sleeping around with, and they nervously told him "Trixy? No, why would she come over here? Trixy Trixy, like, your Trixy? No, why would I know? She would never come here while you were gone in the mountains."

Zededolphi went to work and came back late at night. Trixy had still not returned. He created a search party. Many thoughts went through his head, historians know for certain. He worried that the bands of traveling marauders may have kidnapped her, or perhaps she was eaten by a sabre tooth tiger, who were indigenous to the area, according to sources close to the situation.

After searching all night, Zededolphi was about to give up and find a new wife, when he heard sobbing. 

"Who thy ny goes hither wither?" He asked.

The sobbing stopped.

He felt something tickle his clavicle. 

"Looking for your wife, what a noble man, little does he know the fault in his plan. I will give him two choices, for him to decide, his wife that he lost, or the treasure inside." Said a crackling voice.

"Can thou repeat that? I got lost somewhere in the middle." Zededolphi asked. 

After a long sigh, "You pick, your wife or some treasure." 

After some brief thought "Treasure sounds good."

"Treasure you picked, what a treasure you are. But without a strong woman, you shant go far."

This was followed by laughing, a sneeze, a pause, another sneeze, an apology for sneezing, and then silence. 

A confused and slightly aroused Zededolphi walked back to camp with more questions than answers. When he got back to his yurt, he noticed a heavy weight in his pocket. He gingerly put his hand in and pulled out a diamond the size of a kiwi. 

Forgetting all about Trixy, Zededolphi very quickly became the richest man in the area. He subsequently invested in a series of wagon stops, discovered uranium, invented the color aqua, and married a gold digger (in the literal sense of the term of course). Life was great for Zededolphi, all due to the mysterious diamond that he inherited. 

June 11th, 1818

Three years later an arrogantly rich Zededolphi threw a massive celebration to honor his success. One of the things he had built for the party was a yacht. Not realizing the salinity of the lake, or choosing to be ignorant of it, he had the yacht built and put out onto the lake. The party went into the night with the yacht going out into the lake. Suddenly, all of a sudden, a thunder storm came through. This was the worst storm of the year, according to the Farmers Almanac. 

The Yacht was struck by lightning thrice times and capsized. Zededolphi washed up onto the marshy shore. Not being able to see, he struggled along the muddy salty surface. He heard something and froze cold. He heard a panicked sob, then a shriek and then wailing. A bolt of lightning lit up the horrific scene. He saw Trixy, pale as a ghost, digging into the muddy ground with her hands. She was screaming "where is the treasure! Where is the treasure I was promised" 

Suddenly, she locked eyes with Zededolphi and began cackling viciously. She stood up, and Zededolphi saw that her fingers had been reduced to nubs, her hair was covered in mud, and her eyes were black. 

Zededolphi said in a whimpering voice "Hey honey. Still wearing that dress I see!" This was the last thing he ever said. Witnesses, who happened to be historians, said Trixy shrieked and floated towards Zededolphi cackling, and then he disappeared, never to been seen again.

Crime scene investigators rushed to the scene, but with no trace of Zededolphi, not even blood or semen, they declared he drowned. 

Every year, on June 11th, if you go into the marshes of the Salt Lake, you can hear Trixy searching for her treasure, just hope you don't cross her, because that bitch is crazy.